Where in These Years…… ?

When we are children we seldom think of the future.
This innocence leaves us free to enjoy ourselves as few adults can.
The day we fret about the future is the day we leave our childhood behind.
-Patrick Rothfus, In The Name Of The Wind

September 14, 2007 

Myself, Aadya Swaminathan new student at my  new school.
Chennai was new to me.
I had a scary past.
and I hated my school, like a prisoner hates his barricading grills.
I did not have an easy life before this,
but all these new people, with seemingly glaring eyes and uninterested faces, made it harder.
Somewhere near there, I learnt independence.
I didn’t make friends easily in the PSBB Millennium.
Everything, from the way of speech, the “aiyos” and nonachalant attitude towards what I considered important, was unacceptable.
How could people be so easygoing? Didn’t they have manners?
You don’t just come and  taste my food, urgh.
I had joined midterm, and I loved math while others whined about it. How couldn’t one love it? Wasn’t it practical?
And what was this “kaa” “pazham” thing they did with fingers? Was making and breaking friendships that easy here?
Why did the teacher have a problem with my miniskirt that I had to wear before getting my uniform stitched?
Mornings found me fussing over not wanting to go to school, crying to mom and throwing my classic ‘lying-on-the-floor-with-legs-in-the-air’ tantrums.
I didn’t want to enter this hostile territory, where everything I did, I felt and said, was being judged and scrutinized
“I. DON’T.WANT.TO. GO. MUMMY. I HATE THIS PLACE, THESE PEOPLE” was always followed by “we’ll change you over next year” or “you’ll get used to it, you’re a lion cub
I never got “changed over”, I never “got used” to it either. Rather, I became a part of it.

Today, exactly 9 years, 1 month and 19 days later
the fear of leaving is squeezing my insides and making then squirm in unease.

I smile to myself , and  try to look for the scared, lip biting 7 year old,
who would’ve loved this opportunity.
That girl would make this easier, wouldn’t she?
I smile to myself,for now
I don’t even wait to ask my friends before opening their lunch boxes and gobbling everything down.
I don’t take reprimanding from teachers seriously anymore.
I detest math from the core of my very spirit and have taken up humanities.
I’ve made and lost friends and finally found peace with the ones that have embraced the idiotic, nonchalant, easygoing, obnoxious and rude me.
I still wear miniskirts but am now strongly inclined towards Feminism and erasing gender stereotypes
and oh, how this place has changed me.


I fail to realize, where in these years, I fell in love
with my school
my classmates,
my life , and


If I find that little girl, I shall ask her, where her determination to never cross the line and give way to adjusting to this new life,went away?
At which milestone of her laborious journey towards becoming me, did she lose that side of her?
And when did she decide, she doesn’t want to leave?

Why do I have to leave this life after my 12th grade?
_ A seriously frustrated 12thie (F_O_M) 


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